Family-Friendly Nintendo Abolishes Beer Because No Families Drink, Ever

Drink yourself to death; mommy isn\'t listening

Nintendo’s Wii revolutionized how games are played.? Its motion-sensitive controller put players in the front row, waggling a stick around like an uncooked lump of salami, looking foolish and playing subpar video games for kitsch?and therefore temporary?value.

Anyway, since you can lob that white stick around and play tennis n’ stuff, Nintendo made the next logical step: Beer Pong.

Right? That’s what you were thinking too, right?

Naturally, Nintendo’s Beer Pong came under intense scrutiny from tight-assed politicians and anti-booze advocacy groups all over the place.? They changed the name from Beer Pong to Pong Toss, because that makes a boatload of difference.

In an unintentionally hilarious example of bad journalism, CBS Channel 4 out of Columbus, Ohio, posts this wonderful headline: Video Game Under Scrutiny For Resemblance To Beer Pong.? Uh, it’s not a resemblance, idiots; the game was called Beer Pong.? It is Beer Pong.? Pay attention.? Furthermore, the first 3.5 paragraphs of the article have nothing to do with the videogame.

Aside from being a Wii game, there is one huge problem with Pong Toss.? First, the joy of Beer Pong is … wait for it … drinking beer.? Playing the same game on a television screen using a videogame console?? Not as fun.? I suppose you could drink the beer sitting next to you upon scoring a shot and thereby avoid the messiness inherent in tossing objects into full glasses of liquid, but doesn’t that remove most if not all of the fun?? I can’t imagine hitting up a kegger only to be greeted with a 52″ HDTV connected to a Wii, surrounded by hairy apes saying, “Pick up a controller; let’s play some Beer Pong!”? I’d leave.? Immediately.? Because that’s dorky.

Despite the hullabaloo, it appears Pong Toss will still be published and sold.? I eagerly anticipate its sales numbers.? In fact, I want access to databases showing exactly whom buys this game.? I want to talk to each and every single buyer of this game and explain to them that college is over and it’s time to get a job.

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